Ding ding, round Two

So, where to go from here...

Hi again, I'm back for a waffle. Well let me start this blog by saying again, I'm not the usual feel sorry for yourself kinda guy, i was just looking to vent and vent i did. It definitely helped and one of the main people i wanted to read it HH did and that mattered so much for me.

So i don't want to drivel on about relationships & being lonely all the time but annoyingly that's what is on my mind a lot right now. I find my problem is i can't seem to find a happy medium. With girls i either have sex or have the closeness of a relationship, not both. Do i need help? Do i just need to explain my insecurities before with the girl? Would that seem like I'm moving too fast if i did though? Argh! I hate feeling like this because i feel somewhat weak by not knowing how to be.

Another thing i hate is i was always too nice in relationships, literally spoilt the girls i was with stupid amounts & even i know now it was OTT. That being said i wish i could be a bit soppy at times and not feel a massive idiot for it. I can be sweet with the girl, nice, everything she wants then suddenly we get together and BAM this stupid massive guard goes up where i don't want to let her get any closer to me. I think its a mixture of being betrayed before & worrying she'll get fed up of me really quick and realise I'm actually a terrible boyfriend. I've always had a fear of someone else being in control of my emotions, the only time i did she smashed my heart into a million pieces and didn't even seem to care.

Reading above i seem pretty messed up but I'm sure i feel how a lot of other people feel. I'm pretty normal 28 year old. I like my football, music, hanging out with friends, working on my house, the gym etc. So does anyone else feel like me or am i actually messed up? Maybe all this blogging is actually making me over complicate things, who knows.

One thing i miss the most is having a girl, who's a mate. Only once have i had a girl mate that hasn't actually wanted any more from it that friendship & it was nice to hear something from a woman's POV, give me tips where i was going wrong & just have a different kind of friendship. That being said though, i would not change my current friends for anyone, anywhere. That even includes Beckham & that man is a king!

Right enough of the drivel.

Speak Soon,

Simon

The Start

Hi there this is all a bit new to me so bare with.

Right so i guess start at the beginning, or perhaps the end. Currently i’m 28 years old, living in Reading & i’ve just brought my first house. Sounds very normal and exciting so far.

Living on your own makes you realise just how lonely life can be. I have plenty of friends & family. I’m not one to feel sorry for myself but at the same time i just need to vent somewhere.

Right to the beginning then. I lived in Norfolk as a child. A nice normal up bringing, had great parents, a great sister & what i thought were great friends. I was bullied a bit but who wasn’t. When i was 10 i moved to Reading and that’s where my life changed. At school i was pretty normal, loved playing football, hated homework & hated even more than the girls would call me ugly. With this i left school when i was old enough and went to college where i found Women taking a shine to me, this is where the problems began. I looked up to a best friend, i mean idolised him, a couple of years later this “friend” would convince me i was a terrible boyfriend to the girl i lost my virginity to only to find out he was actually sleeping with her.

Now with above in mind i set about treating sex like a stupid game, not caring for peoples feelings & determined to prove myself better than Ryan. Turns out i was already better than him, i just didn’t know it. My life was a constant party from 18-23.

Now 5 years on i can see every mistake i made with women, how stupid i was to let the one get away who i never should’ve, how naive i was to let the one who i knew would break my heart have it & do just that & how much being alone at 28 is completely my fault.

Every relationship i come across i crap myself because i am so afraid to be that awful boyfriend again. I have no idea how to act in a relationship so i run from them. Yet i am truly scared of being alone.

If anyone ever reads this i’m sure they’ll be bored by this point but some times in life you just need somewhere to vent & right now, this is the only place i have to do this.

Simon

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